South Park and George Carlin

South Park and George Carlin

George Carlin is a comedian.. a very funny and dirty comedian, by the way. And South Park is a very funny and dirty TV show!

GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES

Ahh, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it. Haven't we gone far enough with the colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own color. Red for AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rain forest. I've got a brown one. You know what it means? 'Eat shit, motherfucker!' The trouble with a sitcom is that every week it's the same irritating group of assholes. I never see any black twins. What's the deal here? You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. You know what you never hear about? A bunch of Jews being hit by a tornado. Do you ever open the dictionary right to the page you want? Doesn't that feel good? I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction. If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, fuck you, next case, end of report. You birth certificate is proof of guilt. Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, gashes and scabs we've ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time. A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes more entertaining. Instead of having truck scales on a highway, I think they ought to get one of those guys from the carnival and let him guess the weights. You know what we need? Black Jell-O. God bless the homocidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile. No one ever says 'half a week,' although obviously there is such a thing. As in, 'I'll be back in a week and a half.' When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a whole lot worth paying attention to. People seem to think that if there's some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn? I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. The following statement is true. The aforementioned statement is false. Walk into a gun store, buy three guns and a bunch of ammunition. Then ask them if they have any ski masks. A cat will blink when struck with a hammer. Reception lines would be a lot more interesting if instead of shaking hands, people greeted each other with a kick in the groin. A maniac will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo. A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. My definition of luck: catching AIDS from a Quaker. The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurante. Every table had an argument going. You know what would be fun? Drop acid, smoke PCP, and then take the White House tour with Jim Carrey.

ALL-TIME GREATEST SOUTH PARK EPISODES

1. The Metrosexual Episode

2. Ladder to Heaven Episode

3. The Scott Tenorman Episode

4. The Lord of the Rings Episode

5. The Seamen Episode

6. The one where everyone joins a cult and tries to kill each other.

7. The one where Cartman tries to kill Kenny, Stan, and Kyle on the boat with a plastic tee-ball bat.

8. The one where Butter's dad goes to a gay bar.

9. The My Future Self and Me Episode

10. All time best South Park.. thing -- THE MOVIE!

South Park Songs! They kick some ass!

KYLE'S MOM'S A BITCH! -Cartman

Kyle's moms a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world! She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls. On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, and Wednesday to Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehamema bitch.

IT'S EASY, MMMKAY! -Mr. Mackey

There are times when you get suckered in by drugs and alcohol and sex with women, mmmkay? But when you do these things too much, then you've become an addict, and must get back in touch... You can do it, it's all up to you, mmmkay? With a little plan you can change your life today! You don't have to spend your life addicted to smack, homeless on the streets giving handjobs for crack. Follow my plan and very soon you will say, it's easy, mmmkay! Step one, instead of ass say buns! Like "kiss my buns" and "you're a buns-hole!" Step two, instead of shit, say poo! Like "bull-poo," "poo-head," and "this poo is cold!" Step three, with bitch drop the 't', cuz bich is Latin for generosity! Step four, don't say fuck anymore, cuz fuck is the worst word you can say, so just use the word 'mmmkay!'

A LONELY JEW ON CHRISTMAS! -Kyle

It's hard to be a Jew on Christmas, my friends won't let me join in any games. And I can't sing Christmas songs or decorate a Christmas tree, or leave water out for Rudolph, 'cuz there's something wrong with me. My people don't believe in Jesus Christ's divinity, I'm a Jew, a lonely Jew on Christmas. Chanukkah is nice, but why is it that Santa passes over my house every year? And instead of eating ham, I have to eat kosher latke, instead of Silent Night, I'm singing huhash do gavish, and what the fuck is up with lighting all these fucking candles, tell me please?

MR HANKY THE CHRISTMAS POO! -Mr. Hanky

Mr Hanky, the Christmas poo, he loves me, and I love you! Therefore, he vicarously loves you, even if you're a Jew. Sometimes he's nutty, sometimes he's corny, he can be brown or greenish-brown. But if you eat fiber on Christmas Eve, he might come to your town!

IF I CAN'T BE POOR! -Token
Why can't I be like all the other kids? They all have three-bedroom houses, broken trucks on their lawns, and cut-up hot dogs for lunch. It's not my fault my parents succeed too much. There's no one in my town I can relate to. I play with autographed baseball bats, while everyone just plays with sticks and pinecones. Has a boy ever felt so alone? Well, who needs them anyway? I won't pretend to be something I'm not. If I can't be poor, I've got to deal with what I've got. If I can't be like them, what I need is more rich kids around. So I'm not the only one who's so down. Please God, send some rich kids to my town.

EVERYONE KNOWS IT'S BUTTERS! -Voiceover

Who's the boy who can laugh at a storm cloud? Turn a frown into a smile for free? Who's the kid with a heart full of magic? Everyone knows it's Butters! (That's Me!) Who's the boy with the eyes full of wonder? Thinks being yourself is the best thing to be? Who's that rascal with tweezers in his pockets? Everyone knows it's Butters! (That's Me!) Jumpin' in puddles, skippin' down the hallway, pettin' at the petting zoo, he really loves John Elway! Who's that tyke with the cutest little dimples? Battin' his eyes at every puppy he sees? If you look inside yourself, you might be surprised when you find a little boy named Butters!

I REMEMBER WHEN! -Wendy

I remember when we fell in love, the moments we shared were timeless. Saw it in the wind, knew it in a glance, the songs we sang were just simple reminders. I can't stop now. My hearts awake, I feel your arms, my arms to take. Why must Stan change even when love is the same?

LEMMIWINKS! -Voiceover

Lemmiwinks journeyed a distance far and fast, to find his way out of a gay man's ass. The road ahead is filled with danger and fright, but push on, Lemmiwinks, with all of your might.

George Carlin really is awesome.. and so is South Park.